HOUSE OF SUNDAY

Robot Heart: Why my friend's pregnancy doesn't bother me.

I am throwing a shower for a friend today. This is one of the very few non-infertile-person pregnancies that doesn’t bother me in any way. (Infertile people’s pregnancies are also exempt from my crankiness!) I stopped to think about why.

1. I hadn’t met her or her…

1. It’s only OK to get pregnant if it was difficult to do so. If you got pregnant easily (and only an infertile person can tell you how long of a trying period is appropriate), or your pregnancy coincides with a career/housing/life change, it’s smug and also wrong.

2. It’s not OK to touch your belly if you are pregnant even though there is a person in there shifting your internal organs around uncomfortably because you will be deemed “smug.” Similarly, other “pregnant activities” like reacting to pains is completely inappropriate and downright RUDE. You must IGNORE yourself while pregnant in the midst of an infertile person.

3. Infertile women will believe that you are getting pregnant AT them, when in reality, other women’s pregnancies have nothing to do with them. Even if you do not have an infertile woman in your circle of friends and you are pregnant, infertile women may call you out on your bullshit pregnancy.

4. It’s all about how the infertile person feels, and only the infertile person can judge whether or not you have deserved your pregnancy.

5. If you became pregnant without struggle, you are taking your pregnancy for granted. Only an infertile person can appreciate being pregnant.

Remember, ladies: run all your pregnancy plans by an infertile person FIRST. If they are in any way uncomfortable with your timing, DO NOT GET PREGNANT. You may want to move in with them and have them monitor your progress so they will be able to tell you when the right time is and how to behave afterwards.

And PS: I got pregnant through a lot of fucking science.